By: Elena Lipson, Principal and Founder Mosaic Growth Partners

Several years ago, I was brought in by leadership to add another layer of management to the team. It was a difficult situation – the leadership wanted me there, the team did not. Consequently, it often felt like certain members of the team were out to get me.

I wasn’t imagining this – there were instances where people actually tried to undermine me publicly. One time, this happened during a large team meeting of about 50 people. A junior male colleague decided that would be an appropriate time to tell everyone that I had lied about something. I don’t even remember what he said I was lying about, but I remember how I felt in that moment.

I felt my blood boil. I am a lot of things, but a liar isn’t one of them. Once you attack my integrity, it’s on. I wanted to verbally tear him to shreds in front of everyone for spreading this false information. I wanted to defend myself.

But I didn’t.

In fact, I didn’t say or do much, despite wanting to very badly. My lack of reaction was partially due to shock (this accusation caught me off-guard), but I also felt like doing anything in that moment would be a losing battle.

So, I decided to set up time to talk with him 1:1. I needed to get to the bottom of this and establish that this was not how we were going to operate. When we met a few days later, I was calm, confident, and curious. I didn’t attack him, but I did question him carefully, without giving him much wiggle room. It only took a few minutes for him to realize I hadn’t lied.

He became visibly uncomfortable, profusely apologetic, and then…he cried. This grown man who had the nerve to call me a liar in front of our whole team suddenly wasn’t so tough when we were alone.

I had no intention of bringing him to tears. I was stern but kind during our meeting. But I did set the tone for the rest of our relationship and showed that I wouldn’t tolerate any more undermining and gossip.

This story is a classic example of the battle we all face at some point at work: Do we react emotionally or remain stoic? Do we stand up for ourselves or ignore the haters?

I’m actually a big fan of both approaches. Emotions and stoicism both have their place at work. Personally, I like to lead with a stoic approach. I like to be in control of my reactions to other people, and it doesn’t feel good to let my impulsive emotions drive my response to situations. But I’m also a passionate person, and sometimes I have big reactions. It would be inauthentic if I walked around with a poker face all the time.

So how do we balance being our authentic selves and staying professional when handling challenging situations at work?

  • If you lean toward being expressive, how can you train yourself to be less reactive in moments that really test you?
  • Or, if you don’t speak up enough, how can you be better at standing up for and expressing yourself when someone tries to put you down?